I’ve noticed that things tend to run in cycles. I know; I display an amazing perspicuity. But the cyclical nature of things is even reflected in motion pictures, where it can become quite the aggravation.
Note, by the way, that I said “motion pictures” instead of “movie.” The highbrow types refer to motion pictures as “films” and refer to themselves as “film critics.” The Film crowd considers “movie” intolerably lowbrow and pedestrian, but when was the last time you heard anyone say “I saw a film today?”
Other than x-ray technicians (Man, today I saw some exciting film of the third lumbar region!), my guess is that it must have been after high school biology class: Whoa! Dude, what a hip film about the mating habits of earthworms!
Where were we? Oh, the summer movies.
My high connections in Tinseltown leaked me the following summer movie lineup.
CYCLONE
Following last year’s big weather winner, Twister, Cyclone is the story of one enormous tornado, the size of Alaska, that misses trailer parks altogether but sucks up the entire state of Florida and deposits it intact off the coast of Maine, effectively repatriating several million elderly Canadians and Yankees, a.k.a. “snowbirds.”
DUST DEVIL
Several cute dust devils, tires of twirling leaves, twigs, and dust for the amusement of youngsters, go berserk. The uninhibited dirt demons go on a rampage, knocking over potted plants, overturning trash cans, ripping unmentionables from backyard clothes lines and leaving them in the middle of town square. Havoc rules until three nerdy science students learn how to counter rotate wind and neutralize the pesky phenomena.
STRONG WIND
A balding shoe salesman, who combs hair from one side of his head to cover the folicularly deficient region, is transferred to Chicago, the Windy City. He is driven mad when the comb-over continually gets caught in the crosswinds and no amount of hair spray or Vitalis prevents the disruption. A portion of the soundtrack can also be heard in the Gas-X jingle.
STORM TEAM!
Meteorologist Rich Thomas leads a band of bloodthirsty storm trackers on a mission against a nasty cold front.
ERUPTION
A small town garbage dump is located over a long-dormant volcano. The sleeping giant goes Vesuvius, and buries the town under a layer of refrigerators, couches, and un-recycled beer cans. None survive except James Bond, who escapes by driving his Mercedes sport utility vehicle through million-degree molten lava and pretty hot car parts.
ARMY
After a close call in which a perturbed but nearsighted homeowner with an assault rifle mistakes a basketball lurking under his box shrubs for Army the armadillo, Army organizes an elite force of talking rodents to mount a counter-offensive. The band of moles, armadillos, squirrels, raccoons, and rats petition Congress to ban assault rifles and other weapons of destruction. The plan succeeds, but Army is dispatched late one night by a gardener with corrected vision and a pre-ban shovel.
FREE WILLY
President Clinton is convicted of all charges, including the conspiracy to create Mad Cow Disease in order to artificially reduce Big Mac demand for his own personal gain. Slick is sentenced to thirty years of listening to Al Gore read Earth in the Balance while in forced exile to Arkansas. Trent Lott, Newt Gingrich, columnists, and stand-up comics lead a crusade to Free Willy when his absence creates a vacuum of suitable material for vituperation and ridicule.