SPOOF, Wisconsin (Wire) — Local pastor Jim Bob Evans, a recent transplant from the Deep South, says he was surprised to learn that the area was not the locus of spiritual revival, as he was led to believe.
“When I first come up here to give my trial preachin’,” said Evans, “I thought some serious rejuvenatin’ was goin’ on. I kept hearin’ all these radio spots talkin’ about this bein’ the Bible-head capital of the world.”
Through a thick accent and many dropped Gs, Evans told how he misread the spiritual landscape.
“I always say you find where the Spirit’s movin’ and join him there, but I hadn’t heard o’ no Bible-heads before. I just figured it musta been sorta like Bible-thumpers and Jesus freaks, as we say down to the farm. When I heard ’em say the biggest Bible-head business was right here, I was so excited I wanted to cannonball into the baptismal pool.”
Evans found his baptismal frequently frozen, and eventually discovered that he had also been the victim of differences in regional vocal inflection.
“After movin’ all my earthly goods and kin up here to start spreadin’ the good news with the rest of the holy-rollers, I learnt that people talk different, and they weren’t sayin’ Bible-heads at all. They were talkin’ ’bout those dolls with the spring-loaded noggins.”
Apparently the Midwest accent detectable in commercials for a local bobble-head maker led to Evans’ confusion. It remains unclear whether Evans’ congregation is able to understand him through the brogue, or if he is able to order successfully at a drive-thru. Evans nevertheless remains hopeful.
“When you think about it, bobble-heads look like they might be filled with the Spirit, and show more excitement than some church folk.”