Local Family Misses Church Due to Bacon

Effect of Other Breakfast Items Remains Unknown

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Spoof, WI (Wire) — Church leaders were surprised to learn recently the reason that a family had been absent from worship services.

One of the elders reported that everyone was alarmed when the family, usually regular attenders, missed church.

“When we went by to check on them that day, they told us that they had been ready to come to worship, but decided against it after a big country breakfast. One of the kids had scorched the bacon. The pork aroma permeated their clothes, and they didn’t want to smell up the sanctuary.”

“They did smell kind of porky, and we got hungry for lettuce and tomato after talking to them just a few minutes. We can see how that would have been more interesting than the message that day.”

The family expressed concern for others after the breakfast mishap.

“We knew that some church members have to watch their cholesterol, and others have sworn off all meat. We didn’t want to cause any of our brothers to stumble because we came to church smelling like a barbecue pit.”

Church leaders naturally wanted to know why the family didn’t simply change clothes and come to church, and discovered what they believe to be the use of questionable biblical interpretation methods.

“We thought about that, changing clothes, I mean,” the family patriarch said. “But then we remembered that Paul said ‘let each one remain in that condition in which he was called.’ This is a pretty direct biblical principle, so we skipped Observation and Interpretation, and went straight to Application. We kept our bacon duds on and sat around the house, smelling each other. We managed alright, but the dogs wouldn’t leave us alone.”

Church elders were led to wonder just how extensive food odor absences are.

“We’re especially worried about the effect this might have on those who love garlic, Brussels sprouts, or cabbage.”

Church members thought the family’s excuse was not quite as good as that time the deacon begged off stacking tables, saying “Pastor, I’d love to, but you know, I’ve got this bone in my leg.”


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