Church Elders Nab Absent Members with Sting Operation

SPOOF, Wisconsin (Wire) — Inactive members of a local church expressed alarm and surprise when their elders used a police-style sting operation to draw them out of hiding.

“I’m hurt and embarrassed that our spiritual leaders would resort to subterfuge and chicanery to lure me out of my indifference, sloth and lukewarmness. It’s a real shame,” said one disgruntled alleged member.

When asked to describe their methods, one of the church’s elders said “For example, we intentionally ‘under-edit’ our bulletin, newsletter and emails, and leave a few mistakes. We know that those who are able to resist spiritual discipline can’t resist the urge to correct someone else’s grammar. It gets them every time.”

One member, who admitted that he avoided speaking to elders in the halls and ignored the pastor’s requests to meet for devotions, thought he was on solid theological ground. “Don’t I have the right to use my God-given talents of correcting others while standing in the shadows? Isn’t that a fruit of the Spirit?”

Another member said she couldn’t resist attending a church meeting when she thought that the congregation’s future was at stake. “Why, I just had to go! They said they were going to change the color of the carpet, but when I got there, it was just a prayer meeting. For Pete’s sake, I couldn’t just leave then. I actually had to say things to people. I was mortified.”

The Elders said they have no intention of stopping. “Our next project is to draw in inactive members with the promise of a steak dinner, then surprise them with a spiritual gifts inventory and visits to our shut-ins.”

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