A Skunk, a Jay, and a Sloth walk into the Pond…

Out to Lunch archives

Recently a man became drunk as a skunk, and in his inebriated state stumbled, naked as Jay bird, over the local constable, out to lunchwho was lying down on the job because he was like a sloth, and moving at a snail’s pace. When asked what his problem was, the man responded “Well, I had been eating like a pig, so I thought I could handle my liquor. But I wasn’t quite as sly as a fox.”

Before we assess that the overreating imbiber was as dumb as an ox, we should consider whether he is, in fact, as deaf as a post, because earlier he had been asked “where are you going?” to which he responded “I’ve got fleas, and you know they multiply like rabbits.”

Police are investigating whether the man is actually as blind as a bat. Only feet away from the speed-challenged constable was a sign which read “Caution: slow law enforcement at rest.” In addition to being sight-challenged, the man was apparently as strong as an ox, because he walked right through the caution sign.

After being placed under arrest, the man ran around like a chicken with its head cut off, though reports suggest he is normally as quiet as a mouse. Witnesses who know the man were bewildered. One reported “After the sloth — I mean constable — put the cuffs on him, he ran off like a wounded duck. He swims like a fish, though, and made a bee-line for the pond, which was a good two miles off, as the crow flies.”

Arrest records indicate the man sports a tattoo on his left arm which reads “Mean As A Snake,” and which is apparently home-made and self-administered. This means he will be as busy as a bee in lockup, where tat skills draw inmates like moths to a flame. Incarcerated customers will be on him like a duck on a June bug.

Neighbors told investigators that the suspect owns several pets, and are concerned for their welfare while he is incarcerated. “They love him like a bear loves honey,” they said.

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